{"id":325,"date":"2025-05-20T18:19:45","date_gmt":"2025-05-20T16:19:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.familie-kleinman.nl\/brain\/?p=325"},"modified":"2025-05-20T18:28:46","modified_gmt":"2025-05-20T16:28:46","slug":"the-wine-delusion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.familie-kleinman.nl\/brain\/index.php\/2025\/05\/20\/the-wine-delusion\/","title":{"rendered":"The wine delusion!"},"content":{"rendered":"

At least from my perspective: Wine is a complete delusion.<\/strong><\/p>\n

If you came here for a nuanced article… you might want to hit the back button now :P.<\/p>\n

I’m in full rant mode today, why?<\/p>\n

Because I can!<\/p>\n

Introduction<\/h2>\n

“If you need your wine to taste like chocolate to enjoy it… maybe you don\u2019t like wine”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Link: https:\/\/www.wijnkennis.be\/oenologie\/de-aromas-van-de-wijn<\/a> (Sorry, it’s in Dutch.). But even without Google Translate you’ll get the idea.<\/p>\n

To summarize the article: There are three levels of aromas in wine?!<\/p>\n

Uhh… WTF?!<\/p>\n

Seriously. By the love of chr*st… again, seriously?<\/p>\n

Fruity aromas in wine? Banana, citrus, and raspberry?<\/p>\n

Chocolate hints, vanilla?!<\/p>\n

HELLOOOOO!!<\/p>\n

Acquired taste<\/h2>\n

“It’s an acquired taste is just code for: you’ll hate it long enough until peer pressure wins.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But first – this important note: As you might have guessed by now: I don’t like wine<\/strong>. As stated before, I never got past the “it’s an acquired taste” stage.<\/p>\n

I simply don’t get it.<\/p>\n

How can people enjoy a drink that tastes like vinegar mixed with rotten grapes, mashed down using bare feet, with a slight hint of toe cheese and assorted fungi happily living between the toes?<\/p>\n

And then we’re supposed to let it “age” in a barrel and then swirl it, sniff it, slurp it – and call that refined?<\/p>\n

What do they do to those barrels?<\/p>\n

They burn them on the inside.<\/p>\n

On purpose!<\/p>\n

To “enhance the flavor.”<\/p>\n

AGAIN: HELLOOOOO!!!<\/p>\n

So let me get this straight… You like standing next to a burning oak tree, inhaling all those “nice flavors” in the smoke?<\/p>\n

Did you smell vanilla? Maybe a hint of chocolate?<\/p>\n

Or was it just your lungs screaming: “WHY?!”<\/p>\n

Why torment your tongue, esophagus, and other body parts with the same carcinogens found in cigarette smoke?<\/p>\n

Healthy?<\/h2>\n

“Wine is healthy” – sure, and I\u2019m a salad.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Carcinogens\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yep – those smoky aromas you’re so proudly swirling, sniffing and tasting?\u00a0 They’re known to cause cancer.\u00a0 But sure – let’s call it “depth.” Let’s call it “complexity.” Let’s romanticize fermented grape juice filtered through the charred remains of a tree.<\/p>\n

Tell me more about how you “detect a whisper of toasted vanilla and forest fire.”<\/p>\n

Not to mention doing that after the alcohol has completely numbed your tongue, killed off a few more brain cells, and turned the back of your throat into a burning wasteland.<\/p>\n

All while your stomach quietly begins a rebellion called: “The Rise of the Stomach Acids.<\/em>” Need an acid reducer now?!<\/p>\n

So let me get this straight…<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Your mouth is fried.<\/li>\n
  • Your brain is fogged.<\/li>\n
  • Your digestive system is waving a white flag…<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    And yet somehow, you’re still tasting “vanilla” and something like “cinnamon”?<\/p>\n

    How do you taste all this nonsense?! \ud83d\ude1b<\/p>\n

    Luxury<\/h2>\n

    “Sipping tannin soup from a \u20ac40 bottle doesn’t make you classy – it just means you overpaid for acid reflux.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    Am I done?!<\/p>\n

    HELL NO.<\/p>\n

    There is nothing refined about wine. Let’s get one thing straight:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • Wine wasn’t invented for luxury.<\/li>\n
    • Wine wasn’t invented for “pairings.”<\/li>\n
    • Wine wasn’t even invented for taste.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Wine, for one, was “invented” because potable, safe drinking water was rare.<\/p>\n

      And another important reason:<\/p>\n

      “Originally, fermenting grapes was a sensible way to preserve the fruit in a time without refrigeration.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

      That’s it.<\/p>\n

      So a few centuries ago, your options were simple:<\/p>\n

      Drink wine… or die of dysentery, cholera, or some other delightful gut-based disease. And it was a shame to dump all those grapes on the compost pile.<\/p>\n

      Yes – that’s the real reason wine became “a thing.”<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. A survival tactic.<\/li>\n
      2. A microbial compromise.<\/li>\n
      3. A fermented safety net.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        So don’t talk to me about “tertiary floral complexity.” It is all about not dying in the Middle Ages.<\/p>\n

        Sure – wine may have saved ancient lives. But you’d get a hell of a headache as part of the package.<\/p>\n

          \n
        • Dehydration.<\/li>\n
        • Pounding skull.<\/li>\n
        • Fuzzy vision.<\/li>\n
        • And a tongue that feels like it slept in a sock.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

          Oh – and let’s not forget:\u00a0 That same sock is probably what the wine went through to get its so-called “refined” taste.<\/p>\n

          But hey!<\/p>\n

          “It’s got hints of blackberry and saddle leather!”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

          Yay.<\/p>\n

          Wine is so “great”.<\/p>\n

          Djeez.<\/p>\n

          Tasting<\/h2>\n

          “Wine tasting is just a socially accepted way to justify facial expressions you’d normally reserve for spoiled milk.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

          A few years back, I took part in a wine tasting. I believe around 15 different wines were passed around for us to try. Of those 15… I liked one.<\/p>\n

          Yes. Actually one.<\/p>\n

          Can you guess which one?<\/p>\n

          It was… drumroll… an extremely sweet dessert wine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

          Yes, that one. The one everyone else in the room hated. Apparently, my taste buds prefer something that at least admits it’s sugar water with a buzz – instead of pretending to be “complex.”<\/p>\n

          Sure, I can taste the differences between the various wines. But they all share the same foundational profile:<\/p>\n

            \n
          1. Fermented grapes.<\/li>\n
          2. Mixed with battery acid.<\/li>\n
          3. Aged in a burned barrel.<\/li>\n
          4. And somewhere along the way, it picked up a few carcinogens.<\/li>\n
          5. Filtered through centuries of social delusion and foreign vocabulary.<\/li>\n
          6. Seasoned with just enough smugness to make it ‘complex’.<\/li>\n
          7. Served with a lecture and a guilt trip if you say you don’t like or get it.<\/li>\n
          8. Finished off with a headache, a dry mouth, and a burning regret<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            Cheers to that!<\/p>\n

            Aura<\/h2>\n

            “Wine\u2019s aura is 80% marketing, 10% smoke, and 10% people too proud to admit it tastes awful.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

            And to be honest?<\/p>\n

            I think that “intelligent aura” around wine is what puts me off the most. That smug, pseudo-sophisticated theatre of pretending to detect:<\/p>\n

            “a touch of vanilla… a whisper of oak… a note of chocolate…”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

            You’re not tasting complexity. You’re just reciting poetry over rotten grapes. And everyone claps because they’re too afraid to say:<\/p>\n

            “Guys… this stuff is disgusting and just tastes like expensive vinegar.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

            Experiment<\/h2>\n

            “Let’s strip the labels, dye the liquid, and watch the experts collapse under their own ego.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

            And yes, some of you readers now think I am a barbarian or a Neanderthal ( or both? ).<\/p>\n

            You might be right. But let me ask you this…<\/p>\n

            You know what would be an interesting experiment?<\/p>\n

            Grab a few bottles of the cheapest white wine from the local supermarket. Strip off the labels. Print a fancy new one with a gold crest and some elegant Latin nonsense. Backdate it to, say… “1892 \u2013 Estate Bottled in France.” Oh – and for maximum mischief?<\/p>\n

            Add a few drops of red food coloring.<\/p>\n

            Now invite 100 self-proclaimed wine experts to a tasting. Watch them swirl, sniff, slurp – and confidently describe:<\/p>\n

              \n
            • “bold notes of blackberry,”<\/li>\n
            • “tannins that only come from long oak aging,”<\/li>\n
            • and maybe even a “hint of truffle, forest floor, and tobacco.”<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

              Meanwhile…<\/p>\n

              They’re drinking budget white wine with food dye.<\/p>\n

              My guess?<\/p>\n

              Most of them will fail the test. How many will actually detect it is not a red wine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

              Not because they lack a tongue – but because they’re too deep in the theatre to taste reality anymore.<\/p>\n

              Transparent<\/h3>\n

              And even if you made the test completely transparent, most would still fail.<\/p>\n

              “Hey there, here are 50 white wines. Now here are those exact same 50 wines again – except with random fancy labels and a few drops of red food dye added.<\/em><\/p>\n

              Your task?<\/em><\/p>\n

              Match them.<\/em>”<\/p>\n

              GOOD LUCK.<\/strong><\/p>\n

              The wine pairing myth<\/h2>\n

              “Nobody pairs soda with fish and calls it art. But wine? Suddenly it’s Michelin-star behavior.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              Ah yes – another fairy tale: Certain wines pair perfectly with meat or fish.<\/p>\n

              Yeah… right.<\/p>\n

              Let’s be real.<\/p>\n

              Alcohol knocking out all your tastebuds and alcohol running your stomach into an acid overdrive. “Acid Overdrive<\/strong>“. Good caption on a mug or T-shirt BTW!<\/p>\n

              “Because nothing says ‘refined’ like digestive warfare.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              How does that enhance what you eat?!<\/p>\n

              Nobody says a Coke “elevates” your fries or your broccoli – so why the hell does wine get away with this nonsense?<\/p>\n

              “Have your overpriced fish fillet with a side of tannins, and tell me you taste ‘balance’.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              Yeah, I’m done ranting now \ud83d\ude1b<\/p>\n

              I hope this little sarcastic rant put a smile on your face, whether you like wine or not \ud83d\ude1b<\/p>\n

              Brain out!<\/p>\n

              “Avoided dysentery, got a hangover that made me wish for dysentery instead. Thanks, wine.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

              P.S. No sommeliers were harmed in the making of this article.<\/em> \ud83d\ude04<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

              At least from my perspective: Wine is a complete delusion. If you came here for a nuanced article… you might want to hit the back button now :P. I’m in full rant mode today, why? Because I can! Introduction “If you need your wine to taste like chocolate to enjoy it… maybe you don\u2019t like…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":327,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[124],"tags":[185,188,46,41,74,51,190],"class_list":["post-325","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-rant","tag-alcohol","tag-aqcuired-taste","tag-humor","tag-neurodivergent","tag-neurodiversity","tag-rant","tag-satire"],"yoast_head":"\nThe wine delusion! - Brain's Ramblings<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Don\u2019t like wine? You\u2019re not alone. 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