I recently talked to a co-worker who liked smoking a cigar every once in a while, especially during poker nights or after major events, almost as some sort of reward.
And somehow the YouTube algorithm dragged me towards videos of people handcrafting cigars.
Yay! lucky me 😛
Besides the fact that I find the whole cigar-making process weirdly fascinating, there is not a single cell in my body thinking:
“Hell yeah, let’s set one on fire.”
And why, you might ask?
Composting tobacco
Yeah, you read that caption right. Composting tobacco!
That same YouTube algorithm then decided I also needed a full documentary on how tobacco is grown.
Apparently I was fully committed to cigar science at that point.
After watching a video I got a genuine short-circuit between my braincells.
With one very serious question:
Why the hell would anyone ever want to smoke that product?
Let me take you through that process:
- Grow tobacco plants
- Harvest the leaves
- Hang them in dark barns until they dry out
- Stack them into giant warm piles to start the “fermentation” process (read: controlled decomposition)
- Monitor the temperature so the pile doesn’t literally cook itself
- Tear the entire thing apart
- Build it back up again
- Repeat this for months or even years
And remember:
the reason tobacco plants contain nicotine in the first place is to fend off insects and pests.
And perhaps the biggest question of them all:
Why tobacco leaves and not, for example, rhubarb leaves?
Ageing
Ageing whiskey, bourbon or wine at least makes some sense to me.
But this?
Ehhh…
Somewhere along the line, you completely lost me.
Creating the tobacco tubes
Because yes, that is ultimately what a cigar is:
A carefully handcrafted tobacco tube.
And now take a bunch of those fermented leaves, roll them into different lengths and diameters, then use a special “premium” leaf on the outside because apparently that one looks nicer than the leaves in the middle.
Presto.
Luxury tobacco tube acquired.
And it is called a cigar now!
Occasions
And the kind of occasions people link cigars to completely baffle me.
Somehow cigars are linked to celebrations and success!
To name a few:
- Poker nights
- business deals
- billion dollar mergers
- childbirth
- weddings
- promotions
- military victory
- Look! “I made it!” moments
And the honorary bullet goes to certain YouTube “celebrities” and “influencers” who apparently believe smoking a carcinogenic tobacco tube makes them look “made” and intelligent.
Yeah…
Quite the opposite…
Who collectively decided the carcinogenic tobacco tube became the symbol of success?
Childbirth of all occasions!
Childbirth is the one that baffles me the most.
Because ultimately, the luxury carcinogenic tobacco tube being lit on fire to celebrate new life is still filled with:
- Benzene
- Nicotine
- Carcinogens
- Carbon monoxide
- Formaldehyde
- Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbons
- Arsenic
- Cadmium
- Lead
- Hydrogen Cyanide
- And approximately 7000 other not-so-healthy compounds
In others words:
A child is born!
Quick!
Fetch the carcinogenic celebration tobacco tube!
See the irony?
So not only did humanity invent the wine delusion and the rich delusion…
We somehow also managed to build a complete and utter idiot myth around cigars.
Closing words
So let me get this straight.
Somewhere in human history, humanity collectively decided:
“THIS leaf. From THIS plant.
This is the one we’re going to dry, compost, roll into tubes and smoke whenever a celebration is due.”
Why tobacco leaves and not rhubarb leaves?
Humanity celebrates success by:
- Inhaling carcinogenic smoke from a burning tobacco tube
- While drinking neurotoxic ethanol from a burned oak barrel
And somehow both became symbols of luxury, success and achievement.
Yeah
Shoot me!
Make it make sense!
I still don’t get it.
Brain, never smoking a tobacco tube, out!