And as I said earlier this week — it’s time to start the very first Kernel Panic post in this series.
The earliest moment my brain crashed trying to make sense of a simple question. Honest answer, unexpected result — and the birth of my internal codebase.
This is actually the earliest kernel panic I can remember. I must have been four, maybe five years old. We moved to a new house when I was five, and I can still vividly picture this scene from before the move. I even remember exactly where I was standing in the living room when this panic occurred.
But before I dive into the kernel panic itself, let me give you a bit of context.
Kernel panic?
This is mostly for the non-tech readers.
When you start your computer, laptop, tablet — or even your phone — it eventually shows you the main screen where you can start typing, browsing, or calling someone. That part of the software is called the Operating System, or OS for short.
Now, if you were to grab a screwdriver and open up your computer (please don’t try this on your phone or tablet), you’d see various components, circuit boards, and of course: cables. All these physical parts together are known as the hardware.
Between the hardware and the operating system lives a crucial piece of software: the kernel.
The kernel is the layer that communicates directly with the physical hardware. When you press “Save” in a program, the OS talks to the kernel, and the kernel makes sure the data is actually written to disk. Every action you take—clicking, typing, scrolling—is translated through the kernel into physical signals meant for the hardware to do something.
So why this metaphor?
As I’ve mentioned before: large portions of my brain operate like a computer system. There’s the hardware (my actual brain), the operating system (my behavior and outward actions), and somewhere in between… the kernel.
Whenever I do or say something that leads to an unexpected reaction—someone gets angry, I get punished, bullied, or things just go wrong—it often feels like an internal malfunction. Something didn’t translate properly between thought and action. It creates confusion, stress, and a need to “debug” what happened. I go over it. Again and again. Trying to learn from it. Figure out the exact spot where the signal got scrambled.
That, to me, is a kernel panic.
It’s the moment when my internal system hits an error it can’t handle. Something between intention and outcome crashes. And just like a computer which locked up, I often need time to reboot, recover, and dig into the log files.
Angry?
And this part is really important: I don’t blame anyone for any of it. Period. That’s it.
These things happened. I didn’t always know what to do. But I learned.
So no — I don’t hold any grudges, and I don’t carry any bad feelings toward anyone or anything involved.
In fact, looking back, many of these stories are kind of funny.
And that’s exactly why they need to be told.
Back to the kernel panic
Like I said, I was maybe five years old. I was standing in the living room when a relative walked in. They had just bought new clothes and were wearing them with clear excitement.
Then they asked: “Do you think my new clothes are pretty?” (In Dutch: “Vind je mijn nieuwe kleren mooi?” — a question that’s both simple and emotionally loaded, especially for a five-year-old.)
I think you already can feel — or maybe even see — where this is going. I looked, thought about it, came to an honest answer, and plainly said. “No“.
“My answer? No.”
And then the other party got angry. I was being rude! I should not be saying that! And I think — but I’m unsure, I got sent to the hallway as punishment.
This is the first time that my brain went into a bootloop, replaying the situation over and over again. Just trying to figure out what went wrong. Why was my answer wrong? Why did the other party get angry?
And yes. I can vividly remember those questions pop up. In hindsight: That’s when I started the introspection process. And this moment was also the moment I started writing my software package to learn and cope with these situations.
And the first version of this script?
IF “someone asks something about new clothes” THEN “always answer with [yes]”
Plain and simple for a 5yo. 🙂
This part of the script has been rewritten over time to be more subtle. And it is worth mentioning here: At one point I introduced one hell of a bug into this part of the script. And it is way too funny not to mention.
I think I must have been 12 or 13 when I deployed this new version into the proverbial codebase in production. At this point I added a “check” question, and I think you can already guess where this is going…
“Do you want an honest answer?”
Yes, this was my patch. Oh and it backfired horribly! One hell of a red flag to ask with an implied — and negative — answer. But, this was also my introduction into the wrong type of rhetorical questions :P. “Hey I can add that to my codebase!” Which I did.
This was the earliest one I can remember. It started my quest in writing the perfect script :-).
— Brain.
[ SYSTEM LOG – MEMORY DUMP ]
> Event ID: KP-0001
> Input: Unexpected social query ("Do you like my new dress?")
> Protocol Match: NONE
> Eye Department: Visual overload detected
> Language Compiler: Incomplete context
> CEO Status: PANIC – No action plan available
> Response: Non-verbal output (delayed smile)
> External Validation: Failed
> Internal Emotion: Guilt spike (Level 6)
> Memo: “Install emergency smile button ASAP”
> Status: Archived (Level -2 – WORM storage)