Everyone loves vacation, right? Not me. Here is why travel stresses me out, annoys me, makes no sense and also wrecks the planet while we are at it.
I am not clueless.
I have been to the United States. Ukraine. Egypt. Belgium. Hungary. Switzerland. Germany. England. Spain. Don’t forget France and a few other countries I forgot to mention. So no, this is not coming from someone who’s never left home. I have traveled. And at best, I found it tolerable. Most of the time? Just exhausting, and just Why?! Why?!
Planning
It all starts with the planning.
Laptops out. Everyone has an opinion.
Too far? Too hot? Too many tourists?
Spain this time? Egypt again? Italy? Oh Hawaii!
Darn, Have you seen those prices?
All-inclusive or not? Three stars or four?
How far from the beach? How many swimming pools?
How are the reviews? Damn, that guy got green spots on his arms from the pool?
Do we want something with culture nearby?
It feels less like planning a holiday and more like a hostile business meeting.
Packing
What do we need to bring?
Will that fourth pair of slippers fit?
Can this go in your suitcase?
Are we over the weight limit?
And when driving: real-life Tetris.
Put that bag under the cooler, but rotate the suitcase. Where is the umbrella?!
Everything almost fits. Tempers flare. Vacation has not even started.
The Airport
Am I on time?
How long is the line at security?
Have you seen those horror stories on the news?!
Are they on strike again?
Is the flight delayed?
Why do the liquid rules still feel like they are from 2006?
Oh great! customs again.
Shoes off. Belt off.
Thirty seconds later you are holding your pants for dear life,
praying no one gets a glimpse of your Tazmanian devil boxers. 😛
And because I’m already worked up, stressed, flustered and just trying to hold it together…
Guess who gets picked out of the line for an extra check?
And did I mention that guy who had the tiniest amount of marihuana (hey, if your trip starts in Amsterdam, that’s not unheard of) under his shoes, accidentally went to the wrong country, and ended up doing a few years in prison?
YAY, vacation!
And not to mention: where the hell do you park the car?
Just leaving your blik ( tin can )Â (Dutch for ‘car’) at the airport for a few days now costs more than a flight.
What a lovely start to your relaxing getaway.
Arrived?
Arriving at your destination? Not even close.
Passport control. Long queues.
Scammers at the taxi stand.
Overbooked hotel.
Shoved into a van to some ‘alternative’ resort.
Two hours at reception.
Room with a jet-engine air-conditioning that makes more noise than a fighter jet.
Room change! More waiting at the reception desk…
And people say, ‘You just need to acclimate.’
Acclimate?! I’m just trying to survive the first three days.
The cherries!
And the cherry on top?
Towards Ukraine: A small airplane held together by ducttape. I kid you not. And weird harmonics going through the plane constantly
Ukraine again: pilot refused to fly back. Yep. Not enough passengers.
It seems that all the color drained from my face…
400 km by minibus.
Missed connecting flight.
Had to re book everything at my own expense.
What fun.
Schiphol: lost luggage. ( not my story )
Five hours waiting. Nothing.
Had to come back the next day.
Roadtrip!
Long roadtrips are better right?!
Road trip? Sure.
Trailer broke down, something with broken bearings.
Car engine failure. Two days stuck on the Autobahn near Karlsruhe.
Exploded water pump. 35 degrees. Sunday. No mechanics.
Broken car exhaust in Switserland. Our car sounded like a Ferrari in all those tunnels.
Two flat tires after hitting a granite curb in Germany. Grounded for a few hours.
Magical memories.
Home sweet home!
And then you finally get home.
Your body is tired. Your brain is fried. Your inbox has 482 unread emails.
And your luggage?
Needs to be unpacked, washed, sorted, and decontaminated.
Because, surprise! There is a scorpion inside.
Also:
The tent is soaked from two days of tropical rain and is now full of mold
There is 10kg of sand everywhere.
You find sea shells in your socks.
Your shampoo exploded and is now everywhere!
And your passport smells like grilled fish.
That collegue
And then that colleague.
Who looked at me like I said I enjoy dental surgery.
“But why don’t you want to go abroad, everyone does it and enjoys it! ”
-Because I simply don not. Is that so hard to grasp?
Here is the truth:
I don’t need a tropical beach to recharge.
Give me:
- A quiet walk in the woods
- My garden
- Structure
- Familiar surroundings
- Peace
AND A PURPOSE TO GO SOMEWHERE!
That’s my vacation. LA PLAYA HOME SWEET HOME
Skip the stress, the chaos, the sweaty suitcase juggling, the overpriced parking, the social expectations, and the pretending-you’re-having-fun-even-though-your-flight-was-cancelled.
Getaway
And if we do go away:
Let me just pack one bag.
Hop in the car with my wife and, optional, my son.
And drive to somewhere near for a few days of spa and silence with just the two (or three) of us.
That’s it. That’s the dream.
That’s my vacation.
Because honestly?
Vacation abroad has no purpose.
At least not for me.
Social media
And don’t even get me started on the fake perfection of social media.
The endless stream of “Look at me being effortlessly happy in paradise” posts.
Sunsets, cocktails, poolside legs.
It’s curated. It’s filtered. It’s fake.
If your holiday is so amazing, why are you spending half of it choosing the right filter?
And on a serious note…
We all know the planet is heating up.
CO2 emissions are climbing. The climate is changing.
And what do airplanes emit in massive quantities?
That’s right – CO2.
So why are we still acting like flying abroad for fun is normal?
Why are we burning jet fuel for poolside selfies and all-you-can-eat buffets,
when we know it’s harming the very world we live in?
At some point, we have to ask:
Is it worth it?
I don’t think it is.
Not for the planet.
Not for my nerves.
And definitely not for my Tazmanian devil boxers.
Rant done! Brain out