The upside? I’ll probably lose a bunch of weight over the next four weeks. The downside? It’s going to cost me a truckload of willpower — and I’ll be hungry. A lot.
Why?
Because I’m on the FODMAP elimination diet.
Great. Just great.
FODMAP
FODMAP isn’t some fancy wellness acronym slapped on by a Hollywood nutritionist. It’s a scientific method designed to calm down your gut — and build from a clean, stable baseline when reintroducing foods.
Why am I doing this? Because I have stomach pains.
All. The. Time.
And don’t get me started on what happens when I go for the proverbial number two. Let’s just say it’s… “memorable”.
No, I won’t go into detail. Relax 😛
I went to my GP last week with a suspicion: Maybe I have IBS — Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Which, in plain English, means: some food messes me up and my gut hates me for it.
Turns out, I’m not the only one. After actual scientific research (yes, real data — not some TikTok trend), they found that certain types of carbohydrates — collectively known as FODMAPs — might be the root cause for people like me.
So here I am. On the elimination phase.
Where fun goes to die.
Cause
I’ve had gut problems for pretty much my entire life — annoying but manageable. Until recently. After two extended periods of stress, things spiraled out of control. My gut went rogue.
So I did what any rational person with internet access would do: I tried to fix it myself.
First I dropped all lactose.
Nope.
Then coffee.
Still nope.
Tea looked suspicious for a while.
Plot twist: not guilty.
I did find some culprits along the way. Fake sugars — you know, the ones ending in -ol like sorbitol and mannitol — those absolutely wreck me.So does licorice (and yes, I love those). And a few other items. I cut them all out. Permanently.
It helped… but only a little. But the problem never really went away.
So here I am. Standing at the gates of dietary hell: the elimination phase.
And just to make things even better?
I happen to love eggs. Especially the ones from our own chickens.
But guess what my dietitian said? “Maybe cut back on those too.”
Great. Just… great.
Fruit
You can compare me to a fruit bat. I love fruit Apples, pears, mango — you name it, I love it.
But yeah… fructans (one of the many traitorous FODMAP sugars) can also wreak havoc. So those have to go too.
Goodbye apple…Goodbye pear…Goodbye a lot.
Banana?
Doable — but only the greenish kind (which I happen to dislike).
Kiwi? Okay.
Strawberries? Okay-ish — just don’t go overboard.
So yeah…
Even in the fruit department, this is going to be a challenge.
Grapes?
Yeah, I can have a few.
And let me tell ya — when I want grapes, I actually have to count them.
Like some kind of sad, sugar-intolerant accountant.
Food ( A.K.A what is left )
To be fair, breakfast and lunch aren’t that bad. There’s still some stuff left that won’t cause a digestive uprising.
Specific types of bread (hello, spelt), certain crackers, lactose-free milk, oats, a few cornflakes that passed the FODMAP tribunal, specific cheeses, some berries…
Actually enjoyable.
I know. I was surprised too.
But dinner?
Well… yeah. That’s where things get complicated.
The list of safe options? Not exactly comprehensive.
No cabbage (except kale — but only in small, weighed, certified, government-approved portions).
No beans. No corn.
Spinach? Only a handful.
Carrots? Careful now.
Lettuce is safe, sure…
…but eating it seven days a week starts to feel like you’re living in a rabbit simulator.
And did I mention that I like my broccoli, cauliflower, corn, etc.?
Rice and potatoes? Totally fine again.
Meat? Also okay — as long as it’s pure. No additives, no “natural flavorings”, no mystery spices.
Which means I now have to stay at least a mile away from onions and garlic.
And guess what’s in most sausages?
Yep.
You guessed it.
So yes — I know it’s for a greater good. And to be fair, after just four days, I can already feel the difference.
Most importantly?
The pain in my gut is gone.
Not reduced. Not slightly better.
Gone.
So yeah… it might just turn out that I’m going to be officially rabbit certified. At this rate, I’ll be munching on lettuce and sniffing suspiciously at everything else for the foreseeable future.
And hey — there’s another upside: I’ll probably lose even more weight over the next four weeks. Because yes, that’s how long this elimination phase lasts. And hitting my daily energy intake? Let’s just say… it’s become a bit of a challenge.
Turns out, when you remove half the food pyramid, eating enough gets weirdly difficult.
My apologies for this rant 😛
But honestly — it was just too good of a topic not to rant about.
So here you go: look at poor me! 😛
(And no — I’m not actually feeling sorry for myself. Hehehehehe. No really!)
A hungry Brain out! 😛