Why I still blame my Dutch teacher for ruining my fun in reading.
Oh boy. Another rant blogpost incoming?
Yes and no.
While this can be seen as a rant, I also want to convey a message to all language teachers: their influence and guidance are really important during the high school years.
And in my case — IMHO — my Dutch teacher fucked up completely. Not only did he fuck up, he also ruined my fun in reading Dutch novels altogether.
That’s what this post is about. So yes, partly a rant — but with a very serious undertone.
Three exams. Two thoughtful conversations. One literary war crime.
The horrorshow
You haven’t lived until you’ve read a 300-page book where absolutely nothing happens.
The horrorshow called Dutch “Literature”. In the last two years of high school — Dutch: Atheneum 5 and 6 — besides the regular Dutch lessons, we also had “Dutch literature”.
We actually had to read 15 books during the 5th year, and another 15 during the 6th. All books had to be vetted by our Dutch teacher, and had to qualify as “literature”. And besides the books, we also had to make a poetry collection of several poems.
I don’t recall the exact number, but I believe it was like 20?
And of those books, a portion had to be written before the 20th century — let’s say, ancient shitty Dutch language books, as part of our “education”.
Act 1: Dutch Literary Movements Exam
Ah yes, nothing fuels a love for literature like mandatory prostate monologues
We had to learn about all kinds of Dutch literary “stromingen” — magical realism, existentialism, and other lovely abstract categories that made us love literature even more…
And I can still hear my Dutch teacher saying the words
“Existentialism does not exist in Dutch literature, so that is a bonus I can give you.”
The fucking bastard… Because guess what.
We got our exam. And we got a piece of text where I thought..
“Poop… Pee everywhere in this text. This has to be existentialism…”
But he said it didn’t exist in Dutch literature, right?
There’s overlap with other categories, so maybe it’s that one?
You guessed it…
WRONG.
Existentialism.
Only 2 students had given the correct answer.
Let that sink in….
Thank you.. *insert sarcasm here*
Act 2: Dutch Oral exam part 1, poetry
Nothing like a poem about a metaphorical womb to brighten a teenager’s day.
And then the day arrived where I had my Dutch oral exam, as part of my final Dutch exam in general.
Yay!
No idea what to expect, because… drumroll please… Our teacher did not tell us jack shit about what to expect.
Again. Thank you. *insert sarcasm here*
I got up to 30 minutes to prepare. I received the poem I would be interviewed about. Read it a hundred times.
It was a short poem — maybe 20 to 25 lines.
And it made no sense at all. And then the oral exam started.
Teacher: “What is this poem about?”
Me: “I have no fucking clue, because the text does not make any sense, it’s not even on a rhyme pattern.”
Teacher: “…….. Wrong.”
And then the struggle began. He tried to give me hints about the poem and what it was supposed to be about. There was not one word about pregnancy, jealousy, being a big brother for a new sister or brother… nothing!
But yeah — according to my Dutch teacher, it was all about jealousy.
Yeah right.
Act 3: Dutch Oral exam part 2, literature
You haven’t lived until you’ve read a 300-page book where absolutely nothing happens.
And after the poem struggle, the next chapter began: Questions about literature.
He asked me if I had read book X. I said yes, I had read it!
I still remember the main character having prostate problems, dripping pee minutes after doing number one on the toilet, and all the nitty gritty details about the pee itself… Yes! Great! This is Dutch literature at its finest!
So my first guess was that he would ask me what the book was about, what the main character did, and maybe even why.
And as you all remember — my nickname is “Brain”. I think in pictures and videos, so remembering what the book was about was really easy!
Oh boy, was I wrong…
Teacher: “How many storylines does the book have?”
Me: “…ehh… wait… what!?…”
Teacher: “How many storylines does the book have.”
Me, internally:
What the actual fuck…
Do I have to know the metadata about the book now?
Storylines?
What the hell is a storyline?
This is the first time I even hear that word!
Me: “I think 2. There’s main character X… and there’s a separate character called Y.”
Teacher: “Wrong. It’s 3. Because character Y is sometimes reading text from a famous philosopher — that counts as the third storyline.”
Me: “Ehh… no? Wait, seriously?!”
And this struggle went on and on. All kinds of weird questions about the book — but not about the book itself.
Then I was sent away, while my Dutch teacher and the other teacher discussed my grade…
I got a 5.5 out of 10.
Barely a pass.
Again.
Thank you! Thank you!
Insert another ton of sarcasm here.
Act 4: Dutch literature itself
Reading should be fun — said no Dutch literature teacher ever
I really enjoyed reading books. Books from famous Dutch authors like Thea Beckman and Jan Terlouw — adventures that actually took me on a journey. Stories that pulled me in.
Oh, and I can hear your thoughts!
Brain is not only a wine barbarian — but also a literature barbarian!
Bear with me here. Ever read books from W.F. Hermans? Ever heard of a book called “Mandarijnen op zwavelzuur?” Translated to English: “Mandarins in Sulfuric Acid.”
Yes.
That is Dutch literature at its finest.
Sour. Lengthy. Heavy.
And because it’s a heavy read, it’s supposed to be good.
Or the mentioned book where the main character has a prostate problem, has trouble going to the toilet, drips for minutes after a pee, and reads work from another book — which is also lengthy, boring, heavy, and does not add jack shit to the story itself!
That is supposed to be literature?
There wasn’t a single one of those 30 books I had to read that was actually interesting or took me on a journey. None of them pulled me in. Every single one of those books was a struggle to get through. And that is supposed to help us enjoy reading?
English
Literature came alive when someone actually asked what I thought of it.
And then the stark contrast…
When reading English books — and especially thanks to my English teacher.
We had to read 15 books in two years. Also literature-based. Pride and Prejudice. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Animal Farm. Catcher in the Rye. The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, and more.
Of those 15 books, only Pride and Prejudice was a nightmare to read. I actually didn’t finish that book. And I admitted that honestly to my teacher.
He simply asked: “Why?”
And we had an interesting discussion about the book, and why some books grab us — and others don’t.
See the difference already?
My oral exam went the exact same way.
Teacher: “Tell me something about the book. What did you think of it?”
Me: “Starting my story…”
We had a 30-minute joyful discussion about the book at hand, seemingly as equals.
Which actually felt really, really good.
Grade: 9 out of 10.
See the huge difference?
Case in point: I still enjoy reading English books.
A short list: Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion, Endymion, The Rise of Endymion. Ender’s Game, Ender’s Shadow, Xenocide, and a lot more from Orson Scott Card. And of course: Dune! And also — let’s not forget The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the trilogy in five parts!
Also a worthy mention: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and more recently, books from Lee Child (guess why).
From that list, I’ve read multiple books more than once — because I loved the depth, and wanted to revisit the story itself.
So…
Am I still a literary barbarian?
History
Discussing history with someone who listens? That’s education — not interrogation.
Yes, I also had an oral exam for history. I could choose and prepare the subject — Columbus, in my case. And that oral exam went really well.
It was a 30-minute interview and discussion with the teacher about Columbus.
And again, seemingly as equals.
Again: See the difference?
Grade: 9 out of 10.
Summary
A good teacher doesn’t just test what you know — they help you discover what you’re capable of.
Dutch teacher: One smug guy who thinks he knows it all about literature. Zero guidance. Not open to any discussion.
English teacher: Guides you through books. Has an honest opinion about reading. Enjoys open discussion.
History teacher: Guides you through the topic. Tests your knowledge. Also enjoys open discussion.
Guess which classes I actually learned something in — and which I actually liked.
And guess why I hate Dutch literature. And no — I’m not the only one, according to research I found. ( see sources )
Note
To my Dutch teacher: If your goal was to kill every ounce of joy in reading, congratulations — you graduated with honors. You didn’t teach literature, you weaponized it. I learned nothing about books, but a hell of a lot about arrogance, ego, and how not to educate human beings.
A special note to my Dutch teacher — initials B., last name starting with an H., who taught Dutch in the 90s in the northern part of The Netherlands.
If you ever read this —
thank you for ruining my enjoyment of reading Dutch books,
for lying to us students,
for pretending to know it all about literature,
and especially for your complete inability to have an honest discussion about something as basic as the number of storylines in a book.
Maybe you should read the sources and research on this subject. Because I’m not the only one who hates Dutch literature.
You had the chance — to guide us through the harder parts of literature, to help us find books that might actually fit us, to prepare us for the oral exams, to explain what to expect when interpreting poems.
You did none of the above.
You dropped us students into the deep end of the pool and expected us to find our way.
Great way of teaching!
Again — insert sarcasm here.
To conclude
I’m really curious about your journey into literature. Did you have a better teacher who actually helped you through the subject? Or did you, like me, have a similarly smug one who thought they knew everything and treated you like a moron?
Let me know — I’m genuinely interested.
Barbarian Brain out!
Sources
https://www.lezen.nl/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/praktijk_van_de_leeslijst_digitaal.pdf