An evolutionary investigation into tobacco, questionable decisions, and Scrum Masters.
It all started with a random YouTube Short about cigars.
Why I was watching a cigar reviewer in the first place remains under investigation.
Honestly, I have no idea why I find cigars strangely fascinating, even though I would never consume one.
What is known, however, is that somewhere during the video my Mainframe started doing what it does best:
creating completely unnecessary cross-references.
One moment I was listening to a man describing notes of dark coffee, black cherry and leather.
Twenty minutes later I found myself thinking about the discovery of tobacco and the great-great-great-grandparents of my beloved Scrum Master pastel duo Randy and Dandy.
More specifically:
their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents.
(I hope I didn’t forget one.**)
Again.
Thank you Randy & Dandy.
Or was it Roger this time for misplacing a pastel colored post-it on the wrong whiteboard?!
Question
The question was surprisingly simple:
If tobacco evolved a neurotoxin specifically to stop animals from eating it…
and insects from pestering the plant…
how, exactly, did humanity look at this evolutionary warning sign and conclude:
“Let’s try this!”
9000 BC
Somewhere on the planet.
At the Ooga & Booga Research Institute, two prehistoric humans with a severely limited vocabulary were making increasingly questionable scientific decisions.
The Ooga & Booga Research Institute
Tobacco plant:
Over the last 50 million years I have evolved Nicotine (C10H14N2).
Nicotine is a strong neurotoxin…
Nobody will eat me, ever again!
Ooga:
Plant?
Booga:
Plant!
Ooga:
Eat plant?
Booga:
Eat plant!
Experiment Results
About an hour later……..
Ooga:
Plant bad!
Booga:
Plant bad!!
Ooga:
Tummy hurts…
Booga:
[initiates reverse digestion sequence]
(technical term: vomiting)
Corrective Action
After Ooga and Booga recovered from their severe stomach pain.
Ooga:
Burn plants!
Booga:
Burn plants!!!
Unexpected outcome
Ooga:
Smoke?
Booga:
Smoke!
Tobacco plant:
Tobacco plant in the meantime.
Wait..
That’s not how evolution was supposed to work!
HELP!
Several Generations Later
Ooga Jr.:
Smoke does thing.
Booga Jr.:
Smoke does thing!!
Tobacco Plant:
I specifically designed nicotine to discourage this behavior.
And why the hell are you selectively breeding plants with even higher nicotine concentrations?
You like the deterrent?!
…..
…..
Humanity
We have decided to industrialize it.
Present Day
A cigar reviewer appears on YouTube.
“I’m getting notes of dark coffee, black cherry and leather.”
Tobacco Plant:
I give up..
I wanted animals and insects to leave me alone.
Mission failed miserably!
How did we get here?
To this day, it remains unknown whether Ooga and Booga were the direct ancestors of Randy and Dandy.
Genetic evidence remains unavailable.
Behavioral evidence, however, is overwhelming.
Strange
And the strangest part?
This entire thought train, including:
- the Tobacco Plant’s existential crisis
- the Ooga & Booga Research Institute
- the accidental discovery of smoking
- and the possibility that Randy and Dandy are their direct descendants
- Ooga & Booga in the first place (although I briefly considered naming them something starting with an R and a D, but Ooga and Booga worked perfectly)
appeared inside my Mainframe in roughly twenty minutes….
Yes..
Watching a YouTube Short leads to -> Mainframe -> Tobacco Plant -> Existential crisis -> Ooga & Booga -> Ooga & Booga Research Institute -> Randy & Dandy -> Roger -> Pastel colors (again) -> Ancestry research
This is what chaos in action looks like inside my factory.
One moment I am watching a cigar reviewer on YouTube
(Again; Why in the first place? I have absolutely no idea.)
Twenty minutes later I am investigating the evolutionary history of two prehistoric idiots, a janitor who misplaced a post-it note, and their possible relationship to a pair of pastel-colored Scrum Masters.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder how this place keeps functioning.
Then again…
so does Bob.
Brain out
Scientific Note**
Assuming an average generation length of 25-30 years, and placing the events around 9000 BC, Ooga and Booga would in fact be approximately 370-440 generations removed from Randy and Dandy.
The author acknowledges that the number of “greats” used in this article is therefore technically inaccurate.
Additional “greats” have been omitted for readability purposes.